i am on some kind of emotional roller coaster. i saw the good in someone and i believed in it, then their mask came off and this person turned out to be everything i had hoped they weren’t. i guess i am having a hard time wrapping my head around who they really are. you know, because i don’t think about the end, i think about the moments when they made promises and plans and said all the right things and made me believe they had changed…and i think that’s the worst, you know? because you are trying so hard to see them for who they are but those memories come back and they suck the life out of you because you have to force yourself to acknowledge that that person doesn’t really exist. it’s heartbreaking and i swear it knocks the breath right out of you when it finally hits you.
i am walking around like i am fine. i am even telling people that i am because that’s what i have to keep telling myself just to make it through the day, but inside i am screaming and it’s the worst. my sadness turns into anger every night while i am in bed. i lay there and my thoughts start racing. my heart then decides to keep pace with my thoughts and before you know it i have bolted up as if i have had a nightmare and the tears come. not sad tears, but those “i am so fucking frustrated i could punch a wall” tears and my heart feels heavy and i start to wonder why i would be put through this again?
resilient is a word i keep hearing when people talk about me, but this time, i don’t think that’s a word that can be used to describe me.
i don’t want to admit defeat, but i think this broke me.